Ch 4-Emotion's Group Presentation

Who would have thought that three guys could actually tackle the topic of emotions.....But Brandon Keck, Chase Riepl, & Jared Neibaur did it!  Great job guys!  Chase, your facial expressions in your movie was CLASSIC.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil. And also look fantastic....a theme to live by! :-) 

Ch 3-Perception's Group Presentation!

I love my students!  They are so awesome.  this is Jack Nukaya, David McNary & Sabrina Blake. They did a GREAT presentation on Chapter 3 Perception.

You don't want to know what they were going for in this picture....;-)

Perception! February 4 2011

It was six men of Indostan

To learning much inclined

Who went to see the elephant

Though all of them were blind

That each by observation

Might satisfy his mind

The first approached the elephant 

   And, happening to fall

Against the broad and sturdy side

At once began to bawl:

“Why, bless me! But the elephant

Is very much like a wall!”

The second, feeling of the tusk,

Cried:  “Ho!  What have we here

So very round and smooth and sharp?

To me, ‘tis very clear,

This wonder of an elephant

Is very like a spear!”

The third approached the animal,

And, happening to take

The squirming trunk within his hands

Thus boldly up he spake:

“I see,” quoth he, “the elephant

Is very like a snake!”

The fourth reached out his eager hand

And felt about the knee:

“What most this wondrous beast is like

Is very plain,”  quoth he:

“Tis clear enough the elephant

Is very like a tree!”

The fifth who chanced to touch the ear

Said:  “E’en the blindest man

Can tell what this resembles most—

Deny the fact who can:

This marvel of an elephant

Is very like a fan!”

The sixth no sooner had begun

About the beast to grope

Than, seizing on the swinging tail

That fell within his scope,

“I see,”  quoth he, “the elephant

is very like a rope!”

And so these men of Indostan

Disputed loud and long,

Each in his own opinion

Exceeding stiff and strong;

Though each was partly in the right,

And all were in the wrong.

John G. Saxes “The Men of Indostan & the Elephant.”  

Do any of us have a clue what reality really is?   Will we ever? 

(These are questions I ask myself when all my chores are finished for the evening, there's nothing good on TV, and my Farmville crops are all harvested.)

Anais Nin said, "We don't see things as they are.  We see things as we are."  How true!  My perception of the world and everything in it comes from the perception lenses I am looking through.  And my lenses have all sorts of things already on it:  My prejudices, my religious beliefs, my gender, my personal experiences, my roles in society, my age, etc etc etc!  How in the world can I truly tell what reality really is?  All I can do is hope for a consensus.   A shared perception. And even that differs.  

Perception is a process.  And that process involves selection, organization, interpretation, and negotiation.  First, we must select what it is that we perceive. Sometimes that's done for us, other times we get to choose.   But it has to be selected before we can perceive it.  Our senses are literally feeding us too much information all the time for us to perceive everything, so choices have to be made.  Think about how much you're missing right now by reading this.  Are you hearing the buzz of the computer?  The taste and coldness of the ice cream you dished up for yourself to eat while surfing the net (oh wait, that was me)?  How your clothes feel on your body?  Probably not. Why? Because you've selected something else.  Make sense? 

So why do we select things?  

·         We may select things because we need it (you might not notice an emergency call box on the freeway until you get a flat tire for example), or 

·         We may select things when we are perceptually ready for them (how many things do we miss because we're literally not "ready" to perceive them), but we still need to select them.  

·         We may be influenced to select something because of its intensity (the loudest voice in the room), 

·         its repetition (reference SHAM WOW commercials! UGH), 

·         its familiarity (you notice a McDonalds in Japan because it's like home), 

·         its novelty (put your keys in the refrigerator and see who notices. The ones who notice will be the same people who cannot find the gallon of milk when it’s staring them in the face). 

·         or its proximity (has someone ever been physically closer to you than you're comfortable, and you notice things because you can't seem to help it?  Example-I noticed my high school sports coach had really bad breath most of the time.  Why? Because he was always in my face!).

After we select what it is we perceive, we have to organize it.  Contrary to what your car, your house, or your room looks like, human beings are incredibly organized.  We have to be!  Otherwise nothing would make sense to us.  This is where perceptual schemas come in. How do we organize others for example?  The perceptual schemas we use shape the way we think about and communicate with others.  It doesn’t make it right or wrong, it just helps us organize.   We classify others:

·         by their appearance (male, female, beautiful, average, young, old, etc)? 

·         by social roles (student, teacher, wife, husband, etc)?

·         by interaction style (friendly, helpful, aloof, sarcastic, etc.)?

·         by psychological traits (curious, nervous, insecure, etc.)? 

·         by membership (Mormon, Catholic, BYU-I student, Cowboys fan, etc.)?  

I do this activity in class where I have someone with a relatively good self concept come and just stand in the middle of the room.  Then I say to the students:  "Tell me what you see--just shout it out."  In every class that I have done for years and years, they have always shouted out things in this order:  1.  appearance/physical characteristics. 2. behavioral or psychological descriptors (interaction style, psychological traits), and 3.  social roles or membership.  Isn't that interesting?  Every single class, every single time.  Interesting!

Picture your brain as a huge filing cabinet.  And in that filing cabinet we have a file for everything that we perceive.  The reason the file even exists in the first place represents selection.  Where we have it filed is organization.  And what we choose to put in that file is interpretation.  

Then after we organize what it is we perceive, we have to attach meaning to it all--interpretation.    Another activity I do in class is play portions of all different kinds of music, and have students free write what comes into their minds as each music clip is played.  While some of us will share a perception, we all have individual interpretations of each selection of music.  Why?  Why, with the same music, do we all have different interpretations?  Why do we interpret the same stimuli (people, music, movies, experiences, events, etc etc etc) so differently?  Consider applying any of these factors to any thing that we would perceive: 

                Our degree of involvement.  (IE-Is it George Strait that’s playing?  To me, George is my favorite singer.  I have invested a lot of time and money to make that known.  Therefore, I have different perceptions of him than others do. And of course, I had to put an image of George Strait on here, because it's my blog after all!.)

Our own personal experiences.  (IE-Michael Jackson’s song “Billie Jean” sure means more to me than to the students in my class.  Why?  I remember the Mo-Town awards show in 1984 where he performed that song and the moonwalk for the very first time.  IT WAS A BIG DEAL.)

Assumptions.  (IE-The opening bars of “The Age of Aquarius” sounds very “Star-Trekky,” so a lot of my students start writing about space-related things.  They assume it’s the soundtrack to some space adventure.  Then when they find out that this was a song popular in the 60s, perceptions change.)

Attitudes.  (IE-When I play a good solid bluegrass music clip, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard “I don’t like country music.”  Our attitudes can certainly affect how we perceive something.) 

Expectations. (IE-I also play some really hard music by Atreyu.  Not the “normal” kind of music that a BYUI teacher would have on her iPod.  So when it comes blaring out, I always get interesting comments.  “I don’t expect that to come from your I-Pod!” comments). 

Knowledge.  (IE-One of the pieces I play is Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven.  I enjoy that piece probably more than most because I know the story behind it.  Therefore, it impacts my interpretation of it). 

Self-Concept. (The way we feel about ourselves impacts everything we choose to perceive.  Perceptions of music clips are most definitely impacted by how you feel about yourself.  Music is so expressive—that’s why we like it right!?  If more negative terms creep in during this exercise, it may mean a more negative self-concept.)

Relational Satisfaction. (Yep. Your relational happiness level can impact everything.  Unhappy people in relationships are more likely than happy ones to make negative interpretations of things..including music pieces).   

A big part of making sense of our own perceptions happens as we communicate with others.  We can influence one another’s perceptions to try and share a perspective.  This is negotiation.    Picture life as an exchange of stories.  We get opportunities to share our own personal story…our own autobiographies—throughout our lives (in our “novels,” our own personal stories would be called narratives).  But a lot of times we don’t agree on the “details,” so we clash.  For instance:  picture an event in your life where other people were involved.  Would they describe things like you did?  Ask two kids who are fighting with each other the reason they’re fighting, and I guarantee you will get different responses.  When we clash with our perceptual narratives, we have a choice to make.  We can either hang on to our own (which is human nature, yet is usually not productive), or we can try to negotiate a narrative that all parties can agree on.  That doesn’t mean however, that what you come up with is the truth!

Aren’t humans complex?  J 

So what influences our perceptions?  Good question, I’m glad you asked.  J   

Physiological Influences: 

1.        Senses.  Each of us smells, hears, sees, tastes, & touches things differently.  Now think about how that can impact our interpersonal relationships.  For example – my husband Eric is always warm.  He would be as happy as a clam sleeping in our room in December with the windows open and only a sheet.  I, on the other hand, still have my electric blanket turned on in July.  We constantly have conversations on what temperature is acceptable, each of us having our own perceptions. 

2.       Biological cycles.  Yep, I’ll just go ahead and get it out there.  But women aren’t the only ones to have cycles (take that guys)! For instance, we all know whether we are a “morning person” or a “night person.”  That is part of a biological cycle, and can totally influence the way we relate to one another.  So guys, you’re not off the hook on this one (however, my husband says that there are a few days each month where he just retreats to his “man-cave”). 

3.       Age.  With age comes experience that shape perceptions  (yes, Mom, that means you’re right).

4.       Hunger. I know I get grouchy when I haven’t eaten, which totally impacts my decisions and perceptions.  So get mama some food!

5.       Health. Remember the last time you had the flu?  Hopefully you didn’t have to make any life-changing decisions at that time, because I bet your decisions would have been impacted by the way you felt. 

6.       Fatigue.  Ever seen the reality show “Bridezilla?”   Most of those women aren’t really that awful, they are just tired & need a serious nap. 

7.       Psychological issues.  The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that between 5-7 million of Americans are affected by ADD/ADHD or Bi-Polar disorder. That’s just two disorders—that’s not even counting the multiple other psychological issues that can influence people’s perceptions. 

Cultural Influences.  Every culture has its own way of looking at the world and the people in it.  Keeping this in mind can help us understand others’ perceptions.  The range of differences in cultural perceptions is endless.  For example:  In Middle Eastern countries, personal scents plan an important role in interpersonal relationships.  Arabs consistently breathe on people when they talk. As anthropologist Edward Hall explains: 

“To smell one’s friend is not only nice, but desirable, for to deny him your breath is to act ashamed.  Americans, on the other hand, trained as they are not to breathe in people’s faces, automatically communicate shame in trying to be polite.  Who would expect that when our highest diplomats are putting on their best manners they are also communicating shame? Yet this is what occurs constantly, because diplomacy is not only “eyeball to eyeball” but breath to breath.”

Even the value cultures put on talk varies so drastically, it’s amazing we get any diplomacy accomplished at all.  According to the 12^th edition of “Looking Out, Looking In” (a great Interpersonal Communication textbook),

Western cultures view talk as desirable and use it for social purposes as well as for task performance.  Silence has a negative value in these cultures.  It is likely to be interpreted as lack of interest, unwillingness to communicate, hostility, anxiety, shyness, or a sign of interpersonal incompatibility. Westerners are uncomfortable with silence, which they find embarrassing and awkward.

On the other hand, Asian cultures perceive talk differently. For thousands of years, Asian cultures have discouraged the expression of thoughts and feelings. Silence is valued, as Taoist sayings indicate: “In much talk there is great weariness,” or “One who speaks does not know; one who knows does not speak.”  Unlike most North Americans who are uncomfortable with silence, Japanese and Chinese believe that remaining quiet is the proper state when there is nothing to be said. It Asian cultures, a talkative person is often considered a show-off or insincere. 

Social Roles. We all know the “rules” don’t we?  Nobody sat us down and made us learn them, but we know them.  We know what’s acceptable in our society and what is not.  Gender is impacted greatly by these “rules” for instance.  In today’s world, if women in our culture want to be firefighters, or construction workers, nobody thinks twice.  “You go girl,” is what the “rules” say (I mean, after centuries of fighting for social equality, we’ve earned the “rule” change right?).  Ok, going with that whole social equality idea:  If men want to be hair-dressers, or interior designers in today’s society—what is thought then?  In fact, I bet you thought it just now didn’t you?  Why is that?  Why are the “rules” different for women & men? The “rules” or our social roles have a HUGE impact on our perceptions.    

Relational Roles.  I sure changed my perception of the world and the people in it when I became a parent! 

Occupational Roles.  The kind of work we do influences our view of the world and the people in it.  Again from the “Looking Out Looking In” text:

Imagine five people taking a walk through the park. One, a botanist, is fascinated by the variety of trees and other plants. Another, a zoologist, is looking for interesting animals. The third, a meteorologist, keeps an eye on the sky, noticing changes in the weather. The fourth companion, a psychologist, is totally unaware of nature, instead concentrating on the interaction among the people in the park. The fifth person, being a pickpocket, quickly takes advantage of the others’ absorption to make some money.

There are two lessons in this little scenario. The first, of course, is to watch your wallet carefully. The second is that our occupational roles shape our perceptions.

In 1971, Philip Zimbardo, a Stanford psychologist set up a mock prison.  He recruited a bunch of middle-class, well-educated young men, and randomly chose half of them to serve as “guards,” and the other half to serve as “prisoners.”  He gave the “guards” uniforms, handcuffs, and other stuff prison guards would use. The “prisoners” were put in cells with metal bars, a bucket for a toilet and camp cots. Zimbardo let the guards establish their own rules for the experiment:  “No talking during meals, rest periods, and after lights out. Head count at 2:30am.” If you didn’t follow the rules, your food was cut.  The “prisoners” started to rebel. Some barricaded their doors with their cots, others went on hunger strikes. Some of the “guards” physically and/or verbally started abusing the “prisoners.” Some of the “prisoners” were put into solitary confinement, or were forced to call each other names or clean out toilets with their bare hands.

This experiment had quickly become a reality for all of the men. Several of the “prisoners” had stomach cramps, headaches, rashes, and wept uncontrollably.  Zimbardo had planned to do his experiment for two weeks but had to stop after six days.  “I knew by then that they were thinking like prisoners and not like people,” he said.  “If we were able to demonstrate that pathological behavior could be produced in so short a time, think of what damage is being done in ‘real’ prisons…”

These were well-educated men who came from similar walks of life who, in less than six days, were turned into abusers and demoralized victims. What does this experiment tell us?  That how we think is a function of our roles in society. What we are is largely decided by what society tells us we are.

Self  Concept.  Extensive research has proven that a person with high self-esteem is more likely to have a high opinion of others, whereas a person with low self esteem is likely to have a low opinion of others (R.C. Savin-Williams, 2001). 

William James said, "To the infant the world is just a big blooming, buzzing confusion."   Does that really change?  I know that a lot of times I still see the world as a big blooming, buzzing mass of confusion!  And it seems like with all these things—progress—or understanding—or diplomacy—or just a casual conversation might be near impossible!  So what do we do?  The same thing we do when we eat Oreos. We check ourselves afterwards (and if you don’t check your teeth after eating Oreos, prepare to be laughed at).

HUGE problems can arise when we treat our perceptions as fact. Especially in relationships.  Consider these two phrases in a clash between partners: 

Person 1: “Why are you mad at me?”             Person 2 thinks: (Who said I was mad?)

Person 2:  “What’s the matter with you?”      Person 1 thinks: (Who said anything was the matter?) 

What happens?  They probably resent the other jumping to conclusions even if the conclusions are accurate. 

In our culture, a better way perhaps to handle situations where perceptions clash is by doing what’s called perception checking. Perception checks include: 

•1. A description of the behavior you noticed. 

•2. At least two possible interpretations of the behavior.

•3. A request for clarification of the behavior. 

Rewind the partner clash tape to just before person 1 says “Why are you mad at me?”.  Then insert this: 

“When you stomped out of the room and slammed the door (1), I wasn’t sure if you were mad at me, or just in a hurry. (2) What’s up? (3)

Wow, how much better might that communication transaction go? 

Ok disclaimer here:  This isn’t a sure fire way to perfectly understand each other (sorry!).  If anyone comes up with one of those sure-fire ways, they are going to be rich beyond belief.  Sometimes a simple “what’s up?” may suffice. Sometimes you aren’t ready to be the calm one who is doing the perception checking, and your non-verbal behavior shows it.  That may come across as condescending.  Also, consider culture.  Perception checking will probably be most effective in cultures that value talk & directness. 

So the moral of this story?  It is unrealistic to expect others to see the world the way we do. So rather than spending a lot of time and heartache on crying “why can’t you see things the way I do?”, perhaps our time would be much better spent by saying “Please explain to me how you see the world.” 

Perhaps then we could see more of the elephant.  

Chapter 2 Self Concept Presentation

Winter 2010's 2pm class gave our first presentation of the semester yesterday, and it was FANTASTIC! 

Here is Laura Wareham, Ryan Sharp, and Rebecca Alexander.  They are all dressed professionally, they had everything ready to go, and they truly did WOW us!  Way to go guys! 

 

YES I CAN! 

COMPLIMENT CHALLENGE

Ok, here's a challenge for you for this week (and every week for the rest of your life, :-).

Pick three people (one of them needs to be a stranger), and give them a sincere, specific compliment (Not "I like your shoes."  Make it something specific).

Note your reactions and theirs.  Then tell us all about it below in your comments. 

HAPPY COMPLIMENTING! 

Self-Concept

Years ago, when my oldest was a baby, she and I flew on an airplane.  I remember sitting there, with her on my lap, as the flight attendant explained the safety procedures for the flight.  Something stuck out to me - when she was talking about the oxygen masks, she told us they would magically drop from the compartment over our seats.  Then she said, "If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person."  I remember almost being horrified at the thought.  Why would a good mother do anything besides get that mask over their own child first?  I made the decision right then and there that if an emergency happened, I was most certainly going to help my child first. 

As the years have gone by, I have thought about that moment on the airplane with regards to my own life.  I have thought about the information I have shared and studied about interpersonal communication.  I have also changed my mind about my original decision. 

In my classes, we start out each semester with a study of the self-concept, and I always ask this question of my students:  Why, do you think we start out our study with a look at our own self-concept?  I ask them how many of them are good singers, or dancers, or artists.  Very few raise their hands.  Then I ask them to close their eyes and imagine they are five years old; then I ask them again:  How many are good singers, dancers--artists--?  Almost every hand goes up.  Then I ask:  What happened to you?  How did you go from being good at those things to where you are now? 

Self Concept defined is the relatively stable set of perception one holds of themselves.  And everything we learn about ourselves in the first few years of life comes through a process called reflected appraisal.  We are what other people tell us we are.  For small children, that is the force that shapes their self-concept.  Can you imagine, if everyone really understood that, how much different some children's childhoods would be?  It makes my responsibility as a parent seem that much more significant. 

Psychologists tell us that a lot of the basic beliefs we have about ourselves form in childhood, and they are very resistant to change.  This means that our self-concept is not based on accurate, up-to-date information. 

Consider this story by an anonymous author: 

~The story of HUGH.~

Once upon a time, a Royal Person was born. His name was Hugh. Hugh was unlike anyone who had ever lived before or who would ever live again. Hugh was precious---unrepeatable---incomparable. For the first 15 months of life, Hugh only knew himself from the reflections he saw in the eyes of his caretakers. Hugh was terribly unfortunate. His caretakers, although not blind, had glasses over their eyes. And each set of glasses already had an image on it. So that meant that each caretaker only saw Hugh according to the image on his glasses. Thus, even though Hugh’s caretakers were physically present, not one of them ever actually saw him. By the time Hugh was grown, he was a mosaic of other people’s images of him, none of which was who he really was. Consequently, Hugh really did not know who he was. Sometimes, in the dark of the night, when he was all alone, Hugh knew that something of profound importance was missing. He experienced this as a gnawing sense of emptiness—a deep void. Hugh tried to fill the emptiness & void with many things: power, worldly fame, money, possessions, chemical highs, food, excitement, entertainment, relationships, children, work—other people.  But no matter what he did, he never felt the gnawing emptiness go away. In the quiet of the night when all the distractions were gone, he heard a still quiet voice that said: Don’t forget; please don’t forget me! But alas! Hugh did forget & went to his death never knowing who he was.

Obviously, you should read the story as if it were YOU instead of HUGH.  Makes you think doesn't it?

As we get older, the influence of reflected appraisal declines because another process takes over.  It never completely goes away though--we will probably always care about what others think of us.  The new process that becomes more prominent the older we get is called social comparison.   We are what we are of or by comparison to others.   And, almost always, this is a deadly trap, because we set unfair standards to live up to--trait by trait.  We have a tendency as human beings to compare our worsts with others' bests. 

I love this story by Jules Feiffer: 

Ever since I was a little kid I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be Billie Widdleton. And Billie Widdleton didn’t even like me. I walked like he walked. I talked like he talked. I signed up for the high school he signed up for---which was when Billie Widdleton changed. He began to hang around Herby Vanderman. He walked like Herby Vanderman. He talked like Herby Vanderman. He mixed me up! I began to walk & talk like Billie Widdleton walking & talking like Herby Vanderman. And then it dawned on me that Herby Vanderman walked & talked like Joey Haverlin, and Joey Haverlin walked and talked like Corky Sabinson. So here I am, walking and talking like Billie Widdleton’s imitation of Herb Vanderman’s version of Joey Haverlin trying to walk and talk like Corky Sabinson. And who do you think Corky Sabinson is always walking & talking like? Of all people – dopey Kenny Wellington – that little pest who walks & talks just like me!” ("Ever Since I Was A Little Kid," by Jules Feiffer)

Our self-concept is further complicated by the fact that we live in a very intense media-related society.  The media constantly blasts us with images and messages about who we should want to be.  You know what the number one gift request has been for high school seniors every year since 2000?  Plastic surgery.  Who set this standard?  People selling their products.  But how come it's them that gets to set this standard?  Why do they get to decide what's beautiful and/or acceptable? 

Ultimately, it is US that gets to decide.  But studies show that most people's self-concept is dominated by the negative.  As humans, we have a tendency to focus more on our negative qualities than our positive ones.  Consider all the compliments you have or will receive in your life.  How many of us have a tendency to almost talk the giver out of them?  And while I would dare say that I have had many many more compliments paid to me in my lifetime than negative comments, why is it that I remember specific details of the negative ones? 

We could talk about this for the rest of our lives as human beings, and never come to any definite conclusions.  This is one crucial area where I am particularly grateful for the Gospel.  The Gospel teaches us that we are children of a loving Heavenly Father.  Knowing that alone gives you a sense of purpose..of worth...of identity.  The Gospel gives us the conclusions that we search for. 

In Moses, Chapter 1, as God & Moses are talking, over and over again God calls Moses his Son.    Then after God departs, and Satan comes and tries to tempt him, calling him "Son of Man."  (http://scriptures.lds.org/en/moses/1).

For every eternal principle, Satan has a counterfeit. Satan wants all of us to believe that we are less than what we are.  We were sent here to do important work, and if we see ourselves as anything less than we are, then it's "mission accomplished" for Satan.  Why would he try harder to take us out of the game when he can influence us to take ourselves out? 

Let's go back to my beginning story about the oxygen mask.  If you think of that example as an allegory for life, then it's not only "okay" for us to put the oxygen mask first, it's imperative.  How can we serve and help others if we can't take care of ourselves first? 

Our responsibility then, is to make sure our mask is secure. 

How will you secure yours? 

Content & Relational Communication

Every message has two dimensions. CONTENT and RELATIONAL.
The content part of a message is the actual information being conveyed. Example: "I am hungry."

The relational part of a message is what's "behind" the message. It tells the listener how we feel--about them, us, or the message. Example: "I am hungry." (relational part--"I am hungry, and we are passing an Arctic Circle. I want you to pull over and get me something to eat!")

This brings a HUGE gender difference into play when dealing with communicating.

Men tend to pay attention to the content part of the message.
Women tend to pay attention to the relational part of the message.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Let me give you an example from my own life. When Eric & I were first married, he came home from work one day just exhausted. It had been a particularly hard day for him, and all he wanted to do was come home and relax. His brain was fried. I was at home; multi-tasking as usual. And this day, I had at least 79 irons in the fire--cleaning house was just one of them. And to put you in the frame of mind what I was feeling that day, I had been cleaning up everyone else's stuff. Now when you're a mom, you will understand that cleaning up everyone else's stuff day after day after day gets a little old every once in a while. So I was not in the best of moods. Enter Eric, into this relational petri-dish of emotion & multi-tasking, with his own petri-dish of emotion & tiredness (can you see the main scene set-up here?). He sits down in a chair in the living room, loosens his tie, throws his coat on the window seat & his stuff on the floor (my eye started to twitch at that moment just a little). He then grabs a book and proceeds to start reading (great way to unwind right?  Grab a good book). Enter me, with a big bag of garbage (most of which is not my garbage mind you). I say, "Eric, will you please take out the garbage?"  Notice that I have completely missed his relational messages, because I'm too darn busy with my own. He looks at me; sighs a long, tired sigh, says..."yes," grumbles something under his breath, then takes out the garbage. I stand there looking after him thinking, "The nerve! I have been cleaning up all day long, and all I asked him to do was take out the garbage!" I am ticked. And at this point, Eric has NO IDEA of this fact. Why? Besides being out of his mind exhausted, he was paying attention to the content part of my message. The poor man even thinks he's getting points for doing this task for me. He's thinking, "Ok, she asked me to take out the garbage, I said yes (even though I'm exhausted), and I did it right away. Points for me!" So he comes back in, steps over the stuff he threw on the floor, plops down into his chair, and continues unwinding. I am fuming. I move around him, making very obvious "tsk" noises--put his stuff away, vacuum around him (he even lifts up his legs so I can vacuum under them, isn't that nice), and do my very best to show him relationally that I am busily cleaning our house, and his stuff, and I am ticked at him. Does he get the message, even though to me, I am sending it loud and clear? Nope. Nada. Later on, after he has unwound a little, he wonders why I am upset, and I wonder why he doesn't get it.

Eric has studied the human brain with regards to content & relational communicating, and he explains that the male & female brain is vastly different (well no kidding?!). There's something in our brain called the corpus callosum that differs greatly in male & female brains (see http://www.wisegeek.com/are-there-differences-between-the-male-and-female-brain.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corpus_callosum for more info). This corpus callosum is a nerve structure that goes down the center of the brain, and it basically regulates the communication between the right & left sides. In women...the corpus callosum is HUGE. And the nerves that stem from it go all over the brain, connecting the right & left hemispheres in multiple locations. In men, the corpus callosum is much smaller, and it shrinks the older men get. Because of this structure, when women perform a task, they use their entire brain, and when men perform a task, they use one hemisphere or the other.

Also, (please understand I am not a brain expert, I just know the very very basics here) female senses are better than male senses almost across the board. Women have better eyesight, color differentiation, sound differentiation--our skin is 15 times more sensitive than male skin.

What does this mean in working terms? A few really vital things:

1. It means that generally, women are better multi-taskers. We really can have 79 irons in the fire, and do them all at the same time. Consequently, men are better concentrators. Because men use either one side of the brain or the other, it means that they can really focus on tasks, but only one at a time.

2. Women can operate on a level of subtlety that males can't even approach. Ever heard of "women's intuition?" Researchers argue that this is the root of a woman's intuition. I can communicate with my female friends without even using words or complete sentences.

3. This can have a HUGE impact on relationships.  Think about it. If women have operated nearly all their lives on a level of subtlety and relational messages that men can't even comprehend, what can happen when a woman marries a man? Ladies, sometimes we think that since it comes so naturally to us, our husband should be able to understand the relational messages we throw his way. NO! It doesn't work! He doesn't get it! He's not insensitive, he just doesn't get it! Yet, sometimes, especially in a marriage, we expect others to think as we do. "If he really loved me, he would just know."

4. This doesn't mean that men are stupid, and women are unrealistic & conniving. It just means we're different. Neither one is better or superior to the other. It just means that it's different.

(Disclaimer: Obviously, this does not apply to all females and all males. I know men that are really quite good at discerning relational messages, and women who can concentrate on very intense tasks. For instance, my father would sit at the dinner table and just look at something he wanted, and my mother would almost immediately give it to him. That's some serious relational communication going down there!)

5. Not understanding crucial concepts such as these can lead to a whole lot of insecurity and other issues that can tear apart self-concepts and relationships.

6. We need to rely most on content communication. Interpersonal relationship expert Dr. John L Lund, in his book "How to Hug a Porcupine," asserts that it is vital that couples rely most on content communicating. "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." In his "Ten Articles of Commitment To Myself and To My Mate," Article III states: "I am willing to become a Content Communicator. I will own my words and be responsible for the verbal content of my messages. I will say what I mean and mean what I say. I will avoid hint dropping and relying upon body language or nonverbal means of communicating. I will not expect others to read my mind or discern the intent of my expectations. I will own my words in a respectful manner. I will not parent my equals by suggesting what they should, need, or ought to do."



Let's go back to that scene with Eric & the garbage for a minute:  If both of us would have focused more on content communicating, can you imagine how differently the scenario would have played out?

(Eric, still exhausted, comes in, sits in his chair, pulls out his book etc.)

Me: "Honey, will you take out the garbage?"

Eric: "I am so tired right now Lori! I have not had a very good day at work. I need a few moments to myself. It would mean a lot to me if I could just sit here for a moment and read a book to unwind. Then I will not only take out the garbage, I will help you finish the housework."

Me: "That sounds great. I haven't had the best day either. Maybe we can talk later when we've had some time to ourselves (sits down on couch & pulls out her book)."

(insert appropriate Disney end credit music here).



Ahhhhhhhh. Much much better.



Now tell me what YOU think.