I have just
wandered back
into our conversation
and find
that you
are still rattling on
about something
or other
I think I must
have been gone
at least
twenty minutes
and you
never missed me
now this might say
something
about my acting ability
or it might say
something about
your sensitivity
one thing
troubles me tho
when it
is my turn
to rattle on
for twenty minutes
which I
have been known to do
have you
been missing too?
(From "Looking Out, Looking In," 12th Ed)
§ Research suggests that we
only remember about 1/2 of what we hear immediately
after hearing it. That’s 1/2 even if we work hard at
listening. Within 2 months, 1/2 of the
1/2 is forgotten, bringing what we remember down to about 25% of the original
message. What is left is the residual message (what we
actually remember)- and it’s only a small fraction of what we hear.
§ Listening is often referred to as the forgotten
communication skill. When you ask most
people to list communication skills, they focus in on talking, but they don’t
think about listening. That’s because
most people don’t see an advantage to listening. One of the first lessons we ever learn in
this life has to do with the power of listening. When we’re babies, and we need something,
what do we do? We cry. And what happens? Somebody comes. It’s great.
But we learn the lesson in reverse.
We learn that talking is something we do, listening is something other
people do. Talking is the ability to
persuade, to influence, to ask for what we want, and we don’t see a
corresponding advantage to listening.
However, research indicates that listening is in fact the most important
communication skill. Research shows that
people who are good listeners have more satisfying relationships, get better
grades, get better jobs, advance more rapidly in those jobs, make more money in
those jobs, are perceived by others as being smarter, nicer, and even better
looking than people who are not good listeners.
So why don’t we all listen better?
§ At the beginning of any college class, 70% of the class is
focused and listening to what’s being said.
Within 10 minutes, that drops to 20%.
So 30% of you are gone from the very beginning, and 80% of you leave
later on. That doesn’t mean that 80% of
you go bye-bye, and never come back, it just means that you tune in and out,
but at any given moment, only about 20% of you are really listening to what’s
being said.
So
why don’t we listen better?
§
FACT: It’s impossible to listen ALL the time.
§ 1. Message
Overload
o
About 1/2 the
time we’re awake, we listen to verbal messages.
From teachers, co-workers, friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends,
mom, dad, sales-people, total strangers (breathe now)…not to mention radio and
TV. 5 or more hours each and every day
is spent listening to people talk.
§ 2.
Pre-Occupation
o
We’re often
wrapped up in personal concerns that we deem more important than messages
others are sending.
§ 3. Rapid
Thought
o
Listening
carefully is also difficult for physiological reasons. We are capable of understanding speech at rates up to 650
words per minute! (the average person
speaks 100-150 wpm). This leaves 500
“extra” or “spare” minutes for our minds to fill. Therefore the temptation to use time not
related to the speaker’s ideas (daydreaming,
mind-wandering, etc), is there, and sometimes big. The trick is to use this spare time to understand the speaker’s ideas
better than let your attention wander.
§ 4. Effort
o
Effective
listening is hard work. You actually
burn calories during effective listening.
o
Physical changes
during effective listening:
a. Heart rate
quickens
b. Respiration
increases
c. Body
temperature rises
o
Sound a lot like
a work out? In many ways, it IS.
Have you ever been in a class where you’ve had to focus really hard and listen, and you’ve come out exhausted? When I go to the temple that happens to me. I come out exhausted and hungry.
§ 5. External
Noise
o
Our world
presents distractions constantly that make it hard to pay attention to
others.
§ 6. Hearing
Problems
o
You simply might
not HEAR the person because you have hearing problems. It is estimated that 1/4
of us walk around with a hearing loss that we’re not even aware of.
§ 7. Faulty
Assumptions
o
Incorrect
assumptions. Perhaps if you “think
you’ve heard it all before….”
§ 8. Lack of
Apparent Advantages
o
What’s the
advantage to me if I listen to you?
§ 9. Lack of
Training
o
Listening is a skill.
Skills are acquired--they are
not given.
o
Listening is not
like breathing for example.
o
How much do we
listen to “just get by?”
§ 10. Media
Influences
WHAT THE WHAT?
So from all of this--it sounds like trying to be an
effective listener is just impossible!
Not true. It IS attainable--the
fact
is, that it’s NOT impossible at all--It is VERY attainable, and most
importantly BENEFICIAL. We determined a
long time ago in class that media has a significant influence in our
lives. Most everything we see media wise
is brief. (news reports, commercials,
etc). We aren’t “used” to spending long
amounts of time focused on one thing. My father used to tell
me: We were given TWO ears and ONE
mouth for a reason….so that we may hear more and talk less.
It IS
possible.
This is a story that tells
about how Thomas Edison, a famous American inventor, made a lot of money simply
by using his ears instead of his mouth.
“When the Western Union Company offered to buy Thomas Edison’s newly
invented telegraph ticker, Edison had no idea how much to ask for it. He asked for, and was granted, a few days to
think about the purchase price.
Edison and his wife talked about
the offer. Although stunned by Mrs..
Edison’s suggestion to ask for $20,000, he hesitantly agreed and set out to
meet Western Union officials.
“What price have you
decided on?” the Western Union
Representative asked.
When Edison attempted to tell him $20,000, the figure stuck to the roof
of his mouth. He stood speechless for a
moment. Impatient with the silence, the
Western Union business person finally blurted, “How about $100,000 for the
invention?”
Ineffective Listening
§ 1. Pseudo-listening.
o
The imitation of the real thing.
o
-Example of students/teacher situation
§ 2. Stage hogging…(aka “conversational
narcissists”)
o
These guys have STRATEGIES!
o
1. Shift-response. Changing focus of the conversation to
them.
o
2. Interrupting
o
Responses:
o
1. Passive. Talking less, tuning out speaker, showing
disinterest non-verbally--leaving the conversation.
o
2. Active: trying to recapture the floor, hinting about
the stage-hogger’s dominance, confronting.
o
Men typically interrupt
conversations more than women. Why? Because of their intent to control the
conversation. Women typically interrupt
to communicate agreement, elaborate on speaker’s ideas, or merely to
participate.
§
3. Selective Listening.
o
Only listening to the stuff that directly interests them.
§
4. Insulated Listening.
o
Opposite of selective listeners in a way. These guys are AVOIDERS. When a topic arises that they’d rather not
deal with, it is avoided.
§
5. Defensive listening.
o
Taking other people’s remarks as a personal attack.
§
6. Ambushing.
o
Ambushers listen carefully to you, but only because they’re collecting
information they’ll use later to attack what you say. The cross-examining prosecution attorney is a
good example of an ambusher.
§
7. Insensitive Listening.
o
Aren’t able to look beyond the words & behavior to understand their
hidden meanings. Instead, they take a
speaker’s remarks at face value.
A father once
told me, “I can’t understand my kid. He
just won’t listen to me at all.”
“Let me
restate what you just said,” I replied.
“You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?”
“That’s
right,” He replied.
“Let me try
again,” I said. “You don’t understand
your son because he won’t listen to you?”
“That’s what
I said!” He impatiently replied. (What’s
wrong with his thinking? )
“I thought
that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him--,” I
suggested….
Types of listening responses:
·
Prompting: Nudging to keep speaker talking…
· Questioning: Make sure they are
sincere! Beware of counterfeit questions:
Questions that trap the speaker. Example: “You didn’t like that movie did you?” “….isn’t that right?”
Questions that make statements. Example: “Are you finally off the phone?”
Questions that carry hidden agendas. Example: “Are you busy Friday night?”
Questions that seek correct answers. Example: “Do these pants make me look fat?”
Questions based on unchecked assumptions. Example: “Why aren’t you listening to me?”
· Paraphrasing:
· Supporting: Empathizing, agreeing,
offers of help, praise, reassurance
· Analyzing: “I think what’s really bothering you is…”
· Advising: “I think what you should do
is…”
· Judging: “I think you did the wrong
thing there…”
The book says
to be careful when doing analyzing, judging, and advising. I take a stronger stance. I don’t think they’re appropriate. Men listen to solve, women listen to
support. Women are better in this area.
Even if
someone comes to you and says I really want you to tell me what to do – I would
say “What do you think your options are?”
Most people just need a sounding board.
What’s nice is that you will give you the credit for doing it! If it blows up in their face, who is
responsible?
Listen
(by Anonymous)
When I ask you
to listen to me and you start giving me advice,
you have not
done what I asked.
When I ask you
to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are
trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you
to listen to me and you think you have to do something to solve my problem
you have failed
me,
strange as that
may seem.
Listen! All I
asked was that you listen,
not talk or
do…just hear me
advice is
cheap; 25 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same
newspaper.
And I can do
that myself.
I am not
helpless.
maybe
discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do
something for me that I can do for myself, you contribute to my fear and
inadequacy.
But when you
accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I can quit
trying to convince you
and can get
about the business of understanding
what’s behind
this irrational feeling.
And when it’s
clear, the answers
are obvious and
I don’t need advice.
Irrational
feelings make sense when
we understand
what’s behind them.
So please
listen and just hear me
and if you want
to talk,
wait a minute
for your turn…..
and I’ll listen to you.
Listening as
a way to affirm the worth of another person – One of the most powerful messages
we can send to another person that lets them know that they are valuable to us
and that we care about them, is simply to listen. We are all incredibly busy – time is very
valuable, and when we’re willing to set aside everything just to focus on
another person, that sends the message that no matter what else I’ve got going
on, you are more important than that.
By Anonymous:
“I am going to listen to you right now, better than
you have ever been listened to in your whole life. I am going to try to make you feel that you
are the most understood person in the world.
I will not judge, assume, criticize, give advice, or do anything that
might keep you from sharing your true feelings.
I am going to give you 100 percent of my attention and all the love of
which I am capable, strictly and solely to focus on understanding you now.”
Think about
what that would mean if someone were to say that to you, or send you that message
without saying that. It makes you feel
valued.
As parents,
children often want to talk to us about very silly things. It’s the act of listening, not necessarily
the message, that’s important.
Quote:
Marvin J Ashton, “Family Communications,”
Ensign May 1976, 52.
“Listening is more
than being quiet. Listening is much more than silence. Listening requires
undivided attention. The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard. The
time to deal with a person with a problem is when he has the problem. The time
to listen is the time when our interest and love are vital to the one who seeks
our ear, our heart, our help, and our empathy. We should all
increase our ability to ask comfortable questions, and then listen—intently,
naturally. Listening is a tied-in part of loving. How powerful are the words,
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak,
slow to wrath: “For the wrath of man worketh not the
righteousness of God.” (James 1:19–20.)
Active listening: Listening is an active, not a passive
process. It’s not something we just do
with our ears. It’s something we do with
our eyes, our bodies, our face, our words when we paraphrase, etc. It’s something we do with our entire
being.
How We Can Listen Better
§
So how can we listen better?
§
1. Talk Less
o A
No-Brainer---Evaluate yourselves, your lives---IRONIC how teenagers spend most
of their time doing things solely for themselves—(not a bad thing, during
teenage years is when you are
trying
to figure out who you are). YET, when it
comes to LISTENING, we (teenagers especially) cheat ourselves out of so Much
vital information that would directly benefit us.
o
Talking Stick Activity: Great way to explore the benefits of talking
less & listening more by using a “talking stick.” Based on the Native American tradition of
council. Each person may speak A. When holding the stick only
B.
For as long as he/she holds the stick &
C.
Without interruption from anyone
else.
o
Native Americans would gather in a circle, and when a member of the
council was through speaking, the stick passed to the left, and the person
surrendering the stick must wait until it has made its way around the circle to
begin speaking again.
§ 2. Get Rid of Distractions
o Remember
that some are external: ringing
telephones, crowds, radio TV, etc….you can remove external ones fairly
easy. Internal: Preoccupation with your own problems. Harder one to get
rid
of, but not impossible.
§ 3. Don’t judge prematurely
o It
is essential to understand your speaker before you make judgments on what is
being said. Listen first. Make sure you understand. THEN evaluate.
§ 4. Look for Key Ideas
o There
is a sign in sign language that means you are getting overloaded with information. Very visual & descriptive (as most signs
are!). It’s easy to lose patience with
long-winded speakers
who
never seem to get to a point---or have
a point for that matter. Because we can
think (650 wpm) faster than most people can think we can learn to extract the
central idea from the mass of words we hear….sometimes even before the speaker
gets to the “point.”
§
5. Ask Questions – and make them
sincere. Not those counterfeit
ones!
§ 6. Paraphrase
o
AKA “Active Listening.” NOT parroting….
o Example of “Parroting.”
q
“I’d like to go, but I can’t afford it.” “
q
So, you’d like to go, but you can’t afford
it.”
o Example
of Paraphrasing:
q
“I’d like to go, but I can’t afford it.”
q
“So if I could find a way to pay for you,
you’d be willing to come. Is that
right?”
Read 3 Nephi Chapter 11, verses 3-8:
“3 And it came to pass that while they
were thus conversing one with another, they heard a voice as if it came out of heaven; and they cast their eyes round
about, for they understood not the voice which they heard; and it was not a
harsh voice, neither was it a loud voice; nevertheless, and notwithstanding it
being a small voice it did pierce them that did hear
to the center, insomuch that there was no part of their frame that it did not
cause to quake; yea, it did pierce them to the very soul, and did cause their
hearts to burn.
5 And again the third
time they did hear the voice, and did open their ears to hear
it; and their eyes were towards the sound thereof; and they did look
steadfastly towards heaven, from whence the sound came.
8 And it came to pass,
as they understood they cast their eyes up again towards heaven; and behold,
they saw a Man descending out of heaven; and
he was clothed in a white robe; and he came down and stood in the midst of
them; and the eyes of the whole multitude were turned upon him, and they durst
not open their mouths, even one to another, and wist not what it meant, for
they thought it was an angel that had appeared unto them.”
Discussion: What was different
between the first, second, and third time?
The first two times they didn’t understand. Why did they understand it the third
time? They did open their ears……They
were focusing with everything – their whole bodies – trying to understand what
was being said. Do you think Heavenly
Father could have made himself understood the first time? So why didn’t He? I think he was teaching them a lesson- they
had to choose to listen – they had to want to understand. He could have made them, but they had to make
the choice. It wasn’t until verse 5
(when they expended the effort) that they really understood.
Personal
challenge: Try something for the next week: For the next week, choose one person, one
relationship that is extremely important to you. With that person, I want you to focus on
being an incredibly great listener. At
the end of the week, I promise you will notice a change in the quality of that
relationship – that’s how powerful these principles are. At the end of the week, you will have a
testimony of why it’s good to be a great listener.
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