Content & Relational Communication

Every message has two dimensions. CONTENT and RELATIONAL.
The content part of a message is the actual information being conveyed. Example: "I am hungry."

The relational part of a message is what's "behind" the message. It tells the listener how we feel--about them, us, or the message. Example: "I am hungry." (relational part--"I am hungry, and we are passing an Arctic Circle. I want you to pull over and get me something to eat!")

This brings a HUGE gender difference into play when dealing with communicating.

Men tend to pay attention to the content part of the message.
Women tend to pay attention to the relational part of the message.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Let me give you an example from my own life. When Eric & I were first married, he came home from work one day just exhausted. It had been a particularly hard day for him, and all he wanted to do was come home and relax. His brain was fried. I was at home; multi-tasking as usual. And this day, I had at least 79 irons in the fire--cleaning house was just one of them. And to put you in the frame of mind what I was feeling that day, I had been cleaning up everyone else's stuff. Now when you're a mom, you will understand that cleaning up everyone else's stuff day after day after day gets a little old every once in a while. So I was not in the best of moods. Enter Eric, into this relational petri-dish of emotion & multi-tasking, with his own petri-dish of emotion & tiredness (can you see the main scene set-up here?). He sits down in a chair in the living room, loosens his tie, throws his coat on the window seat & his stuff on the floor (my eye started to twitch at that moment just a little). He then grabs a book and proceeds to start reading (great way to unwind right?  Grab a good book). Enter me, with a big bag of garbage (most of which is not my garbage mind you). I say, "Eric, will you please take out the garbage?"  Notice that I have completely missed his relational messages, because I'm too darn busy with my own. He looks at me; sighs a long, tired sigh, says..."yes," grumbles something under his breath, then takes out the garbage. I stand there looking after him thinking, "The nerve! I have been cleaning up all day long, and all I asked him to do was take out the garbage!" I am ticked. And at this point, Eric has NO IDEA of this fact. Why? Besides being out of his mind exhausted, he was paying attention to the content part of my message. The poor man even thinks he's getting points for doing this task for me. He's thinking, "Ok, she asked me to take out the garbage, I said yes (even though I'm exhausted), and I did it right away. Points for me!" So he comes back in, steps over the stuff he threw on the floor, plops down into his chair, and continues unwinding. I am fuming. I move around him, making very obvious "tsk" noises--put his stuff away, vacuum around him (he even lifts up his legs so I can vacuum under them, isn't that nice), and do my very best to show him relationally that I am busily cleaning our house, and his stuff, and I am ticked at him. Does he get the message, even though to me, I am sending it loud and clear? Nope. Nada. Later on, after he has unwound a little, he wonders why I am upset, and I wonder why he doesn't get it.

Eric has studied the human brain with regards to content & relational communicating, and he explains that the male & female brain is vastly different (well no kidding?!). There's something in our brain called the corpus callosum that differs greatly in male & female brains (see http://www.wisegeek.com/are-there-differences-between-the-male-and-female-brain.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corpus_callosum for more info). This corpus callosum is a nerve structure that goes down the center of the brain, and it basically regulates the communication between the right & left sides. In women...the corpus callosum is HUGE. And the nerves that stem from it go all over the brain, connecting the right & left hemispheres in multiple locations. In men, the corpus callosum is much smaller, and it shrinks the older men get. Because of this structure, when women perform a task, they use their entire brain, and when men perform a task, they use one hemisphere or the other.

Also, (please understand I am not a brain expert, I just know the very very basics here) female senses are better than male senses almost across the board. Women have better eyesight, color differentiation, sound differentiation--our skin is 15 times more sensitive than male skin.

What does this mean in working terms? A few really vital things:

1. It means that generally, women are better multi-taskers. We really can have 79 irons in the fire, and do them all at the same time. Consequently, men are better concentrators. Because men use either one side of the brain or the other, it means that they can really focus on tasks, but only one at a time.

2. Women can operate on a level of subtlety that males can't even approach. Ever heard of "women's intuition?" Researchers argue that this is the root of a woman's intuition. I can communicate with my female friends without even using words or complete sentences.

3. This can have a HUGE impact on relationships.  Think about it. If women have operated nearly all their lives on a level of subtlety and relational messages that men can't even comprehend, what can happen when a woman marries a man? Ladies, sometimes we think that since it comes so naturally to us, our husband should be able to understand the relational messages we throw his way. NO! It doesn't work! He doesn't get it! He's not insensitive, he just doesn't get it! Yet, sometimes, especially in a marriage, we expect others to think as we do. "If he really loved me, he would just know."

4. This doesn't mean that men are stupid, and women are unrealistic & conniving. It just means we're different. Neither one is better or superior to the other. It just means that it's different.

(Disclaimer: Obviously, this does not apply to all females and all males. I know men that are really quite good at discerning relational messages, and women who can concentrate on very intense tasks. For instance, my father would sit at the dinner table and just look at something he wanted, and my mother would almost immediately give it to him. That's some serious relational communication going down there!)

5. Not understanding crucial concepts such as these can lead to a whole lot of insecurity and other issues that can tear apart self-concepts and relationships.

6. We need to rely most on content communication. Interpersonal relationship expert Dr. John L Lund, in his book "How to Hug a Porcupine," asserts that it is vital that couples rely most on content communicating. "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." In his "Ten Articles of Commitment To Myself and To My Mate," Article III states: "I am willing to become a Content Communicator. I will own my words and be responsible for the verbal content of my messages. I will say what I mean and mean what I say. I will avoid hint dropping and relying upon body language or nonverbal means of communicating. I will not expect others to read my mind or discern the intent of my expectations. I will own my words in a respectful manner. I will not parent my equals by suggesting what they should, need, or ought to do."



Let's go back to that scene with Eric & the garbage for a minute:  If both of us would have focused more on content communicating, can you imagine how differently the scenario would have played out?

(Eric, still exhausted, comes in, sits in his chair, pulls out his book etc.)

Me: "Honey, will you take out the garbage?"

Eric: "I am so tired right now Lori! I have not had a very good day at work. I need a few moments to myself. It would mean a lot to me if I could just sit here for a moment and read a book to unwind. Then I will not only take out the garbage, I will help you finish the housework."

Me: "That sounds great. I haven't had the best day either. Maybe we can talk later when we've had some time to ourselves (sits down on couch & pulls out her book)."

(insert appropriate Disney end credit music here).



Ahhhhhhhh. Much much better.



Now tell me what YOU think.