Self-Concept

Years ago, when my oldest was a baby, she and I flew on an airplane.  I remember sitting there, with her on my lap, as the flight attendant explained the safety procedures for the flight.  Something stuck out to me - when she was talking about the oxygen masks, she told us they would magically drop from the compartment over our seats.  Then she said, "If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person."  I remember almost being horrified at the thought.  Why would a good mother do anything besides get that mask over their own child first?  I made the decision right then and there that if an emergency happened, I was most certainly going to help my child first. 

As the years have gone by, I have thought about that moment on the airplane with regards to my own life.  I have thought about the information I have shared and studied about interpersonal communication.  I have also changed my mind about my original decision. 

In my classes, we start out each semester with a study of the self-concept, and I always ask this question of my students:  Why, do you think we start out our study with a look at our own self-concept?  I ask them how many of them are good singers, or dancers, or artists.  Very few raise their hands.  Then I ask them to close their eyes and imagine they are five years old; then I ask them again:  How many are good singers, dancers--artists--?  Almost every hand goes up.  Then I ask:  What happened to you?  How did you go from being good at those things to where you are now? 

Self Concept defined is the relatively stable set of perception one holds of themselves.  And everything we learn about ourselves in the first few years of life comes through a process called reflected appraisal.  We are what other people tell us we are.  For small children, that is the force that shapes their self-concept.  Can you imagine, if everyone really understood that, how much different some children's childhoods would be?  It makes my responsibility as a parent seem that much more significant. 

Psychologists tell us that a lot of the basic beliefs we have about ourselves form in childhood, and they are very resistant to change.  This means that our self-concept is not based on accurate, up-to-date information. 

Consider this story by an anonymous author: 

~The story of HUGH.~

Once upon a time, a Royal Person was born. His name was Hugh. Hugh was unlike anyone who had ever lived before or who would ever live again. Hugh was precious---unrepeatable---incomparable. For the first 15 months of life, Hugh only knew himself from the reflections he saw in the eyes of his caretakers. Hugh was terribly unfortunate. His caretakers, although not blind, had glasses over their eyes. And each set of glasses already had an image on it. So that meant that each caretaker only saw Hugh according to the image on his glasses. Thus, even though Hugh’s caretakers were physically present, not one of them ever actually saw him. By the time Hugh was grown, he was a mosaic of other people’s images of him, none of which was who he really was. Consequently, Hugh really did not know who he was. Sometimes, in the dark of the night, when he was all alone, Hugh knew that something of profound importance was missing. He experienced this as a gnawing sense of emptiness—a deep void. Hugh tried to fill the emptiness & void with many things: power, worldly fame, money, possessions, chemical highs, food, excitement, entertainment, relationships, children, work—other people.  But no matter what he did, he never felt the gnawing emptiness go away. In the quiet of the night when all the distractions were gone, he heard a still quiet voice that said: Don’t forget; please don’t forget me! But alas! Hugh did forget & went to his death never knowing who he was.

Obviously, you should read the story as if it were YOU instead of HUGH.  Makes you think doesn't it?

As we get older, the influence of reflected appraisal declines because another process takes over.  It never completely goes away though--we will probably always care about what others think of us.  The new process that becomes more prominent the older we get is called social comparison.   We are what we are of or by comparison to others.   And, almost always, this is a deadly trap, because we set unfair standards to live up to--trait by trait.  We have a tendency as human beings to compare our worsts with others' bests. 

I love this story by Jules Feiffer: 

Ever since I was a little kid I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be Billie Widdleton. And Billie Widdleton didn’t even like me. I walked like he walked. I talked like he talked. I signed up for the high school he signed up for---which was when Billie Widdleton changed. He began to hang around Herby Vanderman. He walked like Herby Vanderman. He talked like Herby Vanderman. He mixed me up! I began to walk & talk like Billie Widdleton walking & talking like Herby Vanderman. And then it dawned on me that Herby Vanderman walked & talked like Joey Haverlin, and Joey Haverlin walked and talked like Corky Sabinson. So here I am, walking and talking like Billie Widdleton’s imitation of Herb Vanderman’s version of Joey Haverlin trying to walk and talk like Corky Sabinson. And who do you think Corky Sabinson is always walking & talking like? Of all people – dopey Kenny Wellington – that little pest who walks & talks just like me!” ("Ever Since I Was A Little Kid," by Jules Feiffer)

Our self-concept is further complicated by the fact that we live in a very intense media-related society.  The media constantly blasts us with images and messages about who we should want to be.  You know what the number one gift request has been for high school seniors every year since 2000?  Plastic surgery.  Who set this standard?  People selling their products.  But how come it's them that gets to set this standard?  Why do they get to decide what's beautiful and/or acceptable? 

Ultimately, it is US that gets to decide.  But studies show that most people's self-concept is dominated by the negative.  As humans, we have a tendency to focus more on our negative qualities than our positive ones.  Consider all the compliments you have or will receive in your life.  How many of us have a tendency to almost talk the giver out of them?  And while I would dare say that I have had many many more compliments paid to me in my lifetime than negative comments, why is it that I remember specific details of the negative ones? 

We could talk about this for the rest of our lives as human beings, and never come to any definite conclusions.  This is one crucial area where I am particularly grateful for the Gospel.  The Gospel teaches us that we are children of a loving Heavenly Father.  Knowing that alone gives you a sense of purpose..of worth...of identity.  The Gospel gives us the conclusions that we search for. 

In Moses, Chapter 1, as God & Moses are talking, over and over again God calls Moses his Son.    Then after God departs, and Satan comes and tries to tempt him, calling him "Son of Man."  (http://scriptures.lds.org/en/moses/1).

For every eternal principle, Satan has a counterfeit. Satan wants all of us to believe that we are less than what we are.  We were sent here to do important work, and if we see ourselves as anything less than we are, then it's "mission accomplished" for Satan.  Why would he try harder to take us out of the game when he can influence us to take ourselves out? 

Let's go back to my beginning story about the oxygen mask.  If you think of that example as an allegory for life, then it's not only "okay" for us to put the oxygen mask first, it's imperative.  How can we serve and help others if we can't take care of ourselves first? 

Our responsibility then, is to make sure our mask is secure. 

How will you secure yours?