I'm so EMOTIONAL! (aka-Sister Embree's blog on emotions...)

 Emotions!                                        

EMOTIONS ARE AN INTEGRAL PART OF OUR LIVES.  We literally experience millions every day, and have done since the day we were born.  So we should be pretty familiar with them by now right?  Imagine if someone from another planet were to come down and say “what are these emotion things that we hear so much about?  I don’t experience them.  What are emotions?”  Could you define emotions if you had to?  Would you say emotions are "feelings?"  Really?  I feel hungry right now, is that an emotion (actually in my case, it could very well be!)?  

When Yale University psychologist Robert Sternberg asked people to describe an "intelligent person," one of the main skills listed was the ability to understand and get along with others.  Psychologist Daniel Goleman calls it "emotional intelligence"; or "our ability to understand and manage one's own emotions and be sensitive to others'."  (HUH—so intellectual ability isn't the only way to measure one's talents--NO KIDDING!?)  In fact, emotions play a critical role in almost all of our interpersonal relationships.  I know what some of you are thinking:  “GREAT.  Emotions. UGH.  They’re so…..emotional. I’m not good at emotional.”  Sorry, but there’s no getting around it.  We better bone up on emotions if we are going to be effective and productive in our lives.   

Let’s begin with the closest thing to math that you will ever see from me:  A formula.  Since emotions involve a process, there is a formula that corresponds:    

STIMULUS + PHYSIOLOGICAL RESPONSE + COGNITIVE INTERPRETATION = EMOTIONS. 

Anyone who loves a good formula knows how to break it down.  So let’s do just that.   

Part 1:  Stimulus:  All emotions are caused by something (contrary to what you may think sometimes when your girlfriend breaks out in tears for no “apparent” reason).  That “something” could be an event—a thought—a hormone—whatever.  There has to be a stimulus in order for there to be an emotion. 

Part 2: Physiological response:  This is the way our body reacts.  This is the “feeling” part.  When we experience strong emotions, we may feel an increased heart rate, elevated blood sugar levels, a rise in blood pressure, a slowing of digestion, a dilation of pupils, and an increase in adrenaline secretions.  We may shake—or cry—or sweat—or have a churning stomach—or tense jaw—or break out in red splotches all over—(I used to get so nervous when I’d play the piano in public that I would break out in these horrible red splotches all over my neck and chest.  To this day when I have to play or perform in public I wear high-necked shirts.).  The physiological response is the physical way our body reacts to the stimulus.  This is the part that we feel physically. 

Part 3:  Cognitive interpretation:  Now this is the real key to the emotion.  Cognitive interpretation suggests we make a judgment, and that judgment determines the emotion.  For example, let’s say you are walking down the street, and you see a guy stick his head out of the window, and he just starts yelling swear words at you.  Very specific ones.  Then he starts calling you names, and yelling horrible personal insults.  What is your reaction?  How would you “feel?”  Angry?  Embarrassed?  Horrified?  Surprised?  Shocked?  Let’s say for the sake of argument you feel intense anger.  How dare someone do this to you!?   So just as you look back to give whomever the tongue-lashing of his life, you notice the sign on the building he’s in:  “Upper Valley Mental Institution.”  How do you feel now?   Your judgment of the situation just changed didn’t it?  Perhaps it’s not anger you’re feeling now—perhaps it’s sympathy, or relief, or understanding—certainly not anger. 

So here’s my next question:  CAN WE CONTROL (100%!) ANY OF THE PARTS OF THIS “EMOTION” FORMULA?   

Let’s break the formula down again to answer that question: 

Can we control the stimulus 100% of the time?  We can sometimes control the stimulus but not always.  For instance, we can avoid things that we tend to respond negatively to (i.e.-scary movies, snakes, or scary movies about snakes etc.), but we can’t control the stimulus 100% of the time.  To do that would be to control things outside of ourselves 100%.  So the bottom line for stimulus is this:  stuff happens, and sometimes we can control it, sometimes we can’t.   

Can we control our physiological response 100% of the time?   Again, we can sometimes.  We can learn techniques to deal with things like stress, or pain, or nervousness, etc., but the bottom line is the same.  We cannot control every single situation our bodies will come in contact with, so our body’s gonna do what our body’s gonna do. 

This leaves cognitive interpretation. 

Can we control our cognitive interpretation 100% of the time?  Yes, yes, and YES!  ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF THE TIME, we can control what we think and feel.  THIS IS THE KEY to emotions!  And I’ve heard all the arguments…all the “what if’s,” and I still stand behind this one.  We can (100%!) choose what we feel.  I heard one such “what if” in one of my classes:  “What if someone had just murdered my child in cold-blood?  I would have no choice but to feel complete anger.  You can’t tell me I could control that!?”  Yes, I can tell you that actually.  You made a choice to feel anger.  Was it an awful thing?  Yes.  But did you have a choice in feeling that anger?  Yes.  “That cannot be possible!” some of you are thinking.  Let me remind you of a story to illustrate:    

October 2006:  A 32-yr old milk truck driver stormed into an Amish elementary school, tied up ten little girls and shot them all.  Five of them died.  Then he took his own life.  The Amish people felt great anguish, but chose not to feel anger.  They chose not to feel anger.  In fact, the Amish chose instead to reach out to the milkman’s tortured family, and it so touched the family that they released the following statement to the public:   

 “To our Amish friends, neighbors, and local community: Our family wants each of you to know that we are overwhelmed by the forgiveness, grace, and mercy that you’ve extended to us. Your love for our family has helped to provide the healing we so desperately need. The prayers, flowers, cards, and gifts you’ve given have touched our hearts in a way no words can describe. Your compassion has reached beyond our family, beyond our community, and is changing our world, and for this we sincerely thank you. Please know that our hearts have been broken by all that has happened. We are filled with sorrow for all of our Amish neighbors whom we have loved and continue to love. We know that there are many hard days ahead for all the families who lost loved ones, and so we will continue to put our hope and trust in the God of all comfort, as we all seek to rebuild our lives.” 

Let me assert again:  We can 100% control our cognitive interpretation.  What does this mean? 

FACT:  You, and only you are responsible for your emotions (write this down and star it!).  No one can make you feel anything unless you let them. 

There are exceptions to this rule however.   Sickness (physical or mental), chemical abuse, phobias, depression…all these can rob a person of their ability to control their emotions.  Still, for a healthy person, THE RULE APPLIES.  

This fact also doesn’t negate the presence of emotional contagions.  We are influenced by the feelings of those around us. 

A million years ago when I attended Ricks College (now BYU-Idaho), I had a great psychology teacher.  Brother Maelstrom.  He taught that all emotions do four things: 

1.     Emotions always change.  You can’t maintain an emotion forever. 

2.     Emotions focus our perceptions on the stimulus of the emotion.  Therefore emotions make us see LESS clearly, not more clearly (i.e.:  you’re walking through a meadow and noticing the flowers.  Then you look up and see a bull..you immediately have a reaction?  FEAR!  RUN?  All of a sudden, you don’t notice the air, the flowers, the colors, etc…you notice the route outta there!)  Anyone ever hear of the term BLIND RAGE? 

3.     They make us self-centered.  It’s all about what I’M feeling. 

4.     They make us impulsive and reactive. 

 Taking the above into account, here is another extremely important rule never to forget: 

NEVER EVER MAKE AN IMPORTANT LIFE DECISION BASED ON EMOTION! 

(What is an important life decision that people make at BYUI every day?  Marriage!) 

Most emotions have the potential to be facilitative (positive) or debilitative (negative).  It’s all in how we interpret it.   

But many of us struggle with how to positively express emotions.  I’ve certainly had my share of “mom moments” for example (Bill Cosby called them “caniptions”), and I have had moments when I have most definitely “lost it.”  How can we learn to control or more positively express our emotions? 

First of all it’s important to know that expressing emotions is very culturally dependent.  In individualistic cultures like the United States, we feel more comfortable in expressing emotions than do collectivist cultures (like Japan & India for example).    

And while there aren’t any universal rules for the best way to communicate emotions, a wide range of research supports the fact that expressing emotions appropriately is healthy and valuable.  The following suggestions can help (if you live in an individualistic culture): 

1.     Recognize your feelings.  Be specific.  What exactly are you feeling?  Do you have a large “emotional vocabulary?”  If not, get to work on it!  Look at the chart below.  Ask yourself:  Do I use these specific words to describe my emotions?  (For example, I have this problem with things that I like.  I have a tendency to say “Oh, I love that,” or “I love him,” etc.  I throw the word “love” around to fit any range of feeling I have.  I sometimes do the same thing with “hate”).  Ask yourself:  What exactly am I feeling?  For example, am I “ecstatic,” or just “content?”  (See figures below from the 12^th edition of “Looking Out Looking In”)

2.     Tune in to your self-talk.  Learn to control it.  Your brain doesn’t know when you are “just kidding” when you self-depreciate.  So stop it!  The sub-conscious doesn’t know the difference—it will believe whatever your self-talk says. If you don’t control it, it will control you. 

3.     Dispute irrational thoughts or “fallacies.”  Do we spend an unnecessary amount of time and effort on illogical conclusions that turn into debilitative emotions?  There are 7 major fallacies that affect our emotional state.  How many times have we been “guilty” of  these?  

1.      The Fallacy of Perfection asserts that people should be able to handle every situation with complete confidence and skill.  Believing in the myth of perfection not only can keep others from liking you, but also can act as a force to diminish your own self-esteem. 

2.      The Fallacy of Approval is the mistaken belief that it is not just desirable but vital to get the approval of virtually every person.  In addition to the obvious discomfort that arises from denying your own principles and needs to gain acceptance and approval from others, the myth of approval is irrational because it implies that others will respect and like you more if you go out of your way to please them.  Striving for universal acceptance is irrational because it is simply not possible.  

3.     The Fallacy of Shoulds is the inability to distinguish between what is and what should be.  Becoming obsessed with shoulds has three troublesome consequences.  First, it leads to unnecessary unhappiness, for people who are constantly dreaming about the ideal are seldom satisfied with what they have or who they are.  A second drawback is that merely complaining without acting can keep you from doing anything to change unsatisfying conditions.  A third problem with shoulds that you impose on others is that this sort of complaining can build a defensive climate with others, who will resent being nagged.  

4.      The Fallacy of Overgeneralization occurs when we base a belief on a limited amount of evidence and use overgeneralizations.  

5.     The Fallacy of Causation is based on the belief that emotions are caused by others rather than by one’s own self-talk.  This fallacy causes trouble in two ways.  The first plagues people who become overly cautious about relating because they don’t want to “cause” any pain or inconvenience for others.  The second is when we believe that others cause our emotions.  It’s our thinking, not the actions of others, that determines how we feel.  

6.     The Fallacy of Helplessness suggests that satisfaction in life is determined by forces beyond your control, that we are only helpless victims.   

7.     The Fallacy of Catastrophic Expectations operates on the assumption that if something bad can possibly happen, it will

(Fallacies information from “Looking Out Looking In,” 12^th edition).

4.     Accept responsibility for your own feelings.  No more saying & thinking “You make me so angry!” 

5.     Let it go.  I have a friend that will not go to our class reunions because “so-and-so” might be there.  They did not like each other & had a huge fight in high school.  This year I will be out of high school for 25 years.  TWENTY-FIVE YEARS.  I asked my friend if she even remembered why her and this other person were mad at each other in high school.  She doesn’t remember.  Holding things like this in is what my dad used to say is like holding a rattlesnake in your coat.  “Others might be affected, but ultimately, you’re the only one that gets bit.”  Let go of those debilitative emotions that are dragging you down. 

6.     Teach yourself to see things and people in more Christ-like ways.  Give people the benefit of the doubt.  Assume the highest motives in others.  Learn to respond with compassion rather than anger.  Be forgiving. 

7.     Ask Heavenly Father for help.  The Atonement doesn’t just apply to sin.  Christ can heal our hearts as well as our souls. 

 

My next post will include Dr. John Valusek’s wonderful analogy of “Buckets & Dippers.”  It will give you something to think about. 

Now Ricky, go get me a tissue.  I’m getting emotional.