Chapter 2 Self Concept Presentation

Winter 2010's 2pm class gave our first presentation of the semester yesterday, and it was FANTASTIC! 

Here is Laura Wareham, Ryan Sharp, and Rebecca Alexander.  They are all dressed professionally, they had everything ready to go, and they truly did WOW us!  Way to go guys! 

 

YES I CAN! 

COMPLIMENT CHALLENGE

Ok, here's a challenge for you for this week (and every week for the rest of your life, :-).

Pick three people (one of them needs to be a stranger), and give them a sincere, specific compliment (Not "I like your shoes."  Make it something specific).

Note your reactions and theirs.  Then tell us all about it below in your comments. 

HAPPY COMPLIMENTING! 

Self-Concept

Years ago, when my oldest was a baby, she and I flew on an airplane.  I remember sitting there, with her on my lap, as the flight attendant explained the safety procedures for the flight.  Something stuck out to me - when she was talking about the oxygen masks, she told us they would magically drop from the compartment over our seats.  Then she said, "If you are traveling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask on first, and then assist the other person."  I remember almost being horrified at the thought.  Why would a good mother do anything besides get that mask over their own child first?  I made the decision right then and there that if an emergency happened, I was most certainly going to help my child first. 

As the years have gone by, I have thought about that moment on the airplane with regards to my own life.  I have thought about the information I have shared and studied about interpersonal communication.  I have also changed my mind about my original decision. 

In my classes, we start out each semester with a study of the self-concept, and I always ask this question of my students:  Why, do you think we start out our study with a look at our own self-concept?  I ask them how many of them are good singers, or dancers, or artists.  Very few raise their hands.  Then I ask them to close their eyes and imagine they are five years old; then I ask them again:  How many are good singers, dancers--artists--?  Almost every hand goes up.  Then I ask:  What happened to you?  How did you go from being good at those things to where you are now? 

Self Concept defined is the relatively stable set of perception one holds of themselves.  And everything we learn about ourselves in the first few years of life comes through a process called reflected appraisal.  We are what other people tell us we are.  For small children, that is the force that shapes their self-concept.  Can you imagine, if everyone really understood that, how much different some children's childhoods would be?  It makes my responsibility as a parent seem that much more significant. 

Psychologists tell us that a lot of the basic beliefs we have about ourselves form in childhood, and they are very resistant to change.  This means that our self-concept is not based on accurate, up-to-date information. 

Consider this story by an anonymous author: 

~The story of HUGH.~

Once upon a time, a Royal Person was born. His name was Hugh. Hugh was unlike anyone who had ever lived before or who would ever live again. Hugh was precious---unrepeatable---incomparable. For the first 15 months of life, Hugh only knew himself from the reflections he saw in the eyes of his caretakers. Hugh was terribly unfortunate. His caretakers, although not blind, had glasses over their eyes. And each set of glasses already had an image on it. So that meant that each caretaker only saw Hugh according to the image on his glasses. Thus, even though Hugh’s caretakers were physically present, not one of them ever actually saw him. By the time Hugh was grown, he was a mosaic of other people’s images of him, none of which was who he really was. Consequently, Hugh really did not know who he was. Sometimes, in the dark of the night, when he was all alone, Hugh knew that something of profound importance was missing. He experienced this as a gnawing sense of emptiness—a deep void. Hugh tried to fill the emptiness & void with many things: power, worldly fame, money, possessions, chemical highs, food, excitement, entertainment, relationships, children, work—other people.  But no matter what he did, he never felt the gnawing emptiness go away. In the quiet of the night when all the distractions were gone, he heard a still quiet voice that said: Don’t forget; please don’t forget me! But alas! Hugh did forget & went to his death never knowing who he was.

Obviously, you should read the story as if it were YOU instead of HUGH.  Makes you think doesn't it?

As we get older, the influence of reflected appraisal declines because another process takes over.  It never completely goes away though--we will probably always care about what others think of us.  The new process that becomes more prominent the older we get is called social comparison.   We are what we are of or by comparison to others.   And, almost always, this is a deadly trap, because we set unfair standards to live up to--trait by trait.  We have a tendency as human beings to compare our worsts with others' bests. 

I love this story by Jules Feiffer: 

Ever since I was a little kid I didn’t want to be me. I wanted to be Billie Widdleton. And Billie Widdleton didn’t even like me. I walked like he walked. I talked like he talked. I signed up for the high school he signed up for---which was when Billie Widdleton changed. He began to hang around Herby Vanderman. He walked like Herby Vanderman. He talked like Herby Vanderman. He mixed me up! I began to walk & talk like Billie Widdleton walking & talking like Herby Vanderman. And then it dawned on me that Herby Vanderman walked & talked like Joey Haverlin, and Joey Haverlin walked and talked like Corky Sabinson. So here I am, walking and talking like Billie Widdleton’s imitation of Herb Vanderman’s version of Joey Haverlin trying to walk and talk like Corky Sabinson. And who do you think Corky Sabinson is always walking & talking like? Of all people – dopey Kenny Wellington – that little pest who walks & talks just like me!” ("Ever Since I Was A Little Kid," by Jules Feiffer)

Our self-concept is further complicated by the fact that we live in a very intense media-related society.  The media constantly blasts us with images and messages about who we should want to be.  You know what the number one gift request has been for high school seniors every year since 2000?  Plastic surgery.  Who set this standard?  People selling their products.  But how come it's them that gets to set this standard?  Why do they get to decide what's beautiful and/or acceptable? 

Ultimately, it is US that gets to decide.  But studies show that most people's self-concept is dominated by the negative.  As humans, we have a tendency to focus more on our negative qualities than our positive ones.  Consider all the compliments you have or will receive in your life.  How many of us have a tendency to almost talk the giver out of them?  And while I would dare say that I have had many many more compliments paid to me in my lifetime than negative comments, why is it that I remember specific details of the negative ones? 

We could talk about this for the rest of our lives as human beings, and never come to any definite conclusions.  This is one crucial area where I am particularly grateful for the Gospel.  The Gospel teaches us that we are children of a loving Heavenly Father.  Knowing that alone gives you a sense of purpose..of worth...of identity.  The Gospel gives us the conclusions that we search for. 

In Moses, Chapter 1, as God & Moses are talking, over and over again God calls Moses his Son.    Then after God departs, and Satan comes and tries to tempt him, calling him "Son of Man."  (http://scriptures.lds.org/en/moses/1).

For every eternal principle, Satan has a counterfeit. Satan wants all of us to believe that we are less than what we are.  We were sent here to do important work, and if we see ourselves as anything less than we are, then it's "mission accomplished" for Satan.  Why would he try harder to take us out of the game when he can influence us to take ourselves out? 

Let's go back to my beginning story about the oxygen mask.  If you think of that example as an allegory for life, then it's not only "okay" for us to put the oxygen mask first, it's imperative.  How can we serve and help others if we can't take care of ourselves first? 

Our responsibility then, is to make sure our mask is secure. 

How will you secure yours? 

Content & Relational Communication

Every message has two dimensions. CONTENT and RELATIONAL.
The content part of a message is the actual information being conveyed. Example: "I am hungry."

The relational part of a message is what's "behind" the message. It tells the listener how we feel--about them, us, or the message. Example: "I am hungry." (relational part--"I am hungry, and we are passing an Arctic Circle. I want you to pull over and get me something to eat!")

This brings a HUGE gender difference into play when dealing with communicating.

Men tend to pay attention to the content part of the message.
Women tend to pay attention to the relational part of the message.

Surprise, surprise, surprise!

Let me give you an example from my own life. When Eric & I were first married, he came home from work one day just exhausted. It had been a particularly hard day for him, and all he wanted to do was come home and relax. His brain was fried. I was at home; multi-tasking as usual. And this day, I had at least 79 irons in the fire--cleaning house was just one of them. And to put you in the frame of mind what I was feeling that day, I had been cleaning up everyone else's stuff. Now when you're a mom, you will understand that cleaning up everyone else's stuff day after day after day gets a little old every once in a while. So I was not in the best of moods. Enter Eric, into this relational petri-dish of emotion & multi-tasking, with his own petri-dish of emotion & tiredness (can you see the main scene set-up here?). He sits down in a chair in the living room, loosens his tie, throws his coat on the window seat & his stuff on the floor (my eye started to twitch at that moment just a little). He then grabs a book and proceeds to start reading (great way to unwind right?  Grab a good book). Enter me, with a big bag of garbage (most of which is not my garbage mind you). I say, "Eric, will you please take out the garbage?"  Notice that I have completely missed his relational messages, because I'm too darn busy with my own. He looks at me; sighs a long, tired sigh, says..."yes," grumbles something under his breath, then takes out the garbage. I stand there looking after him thinking, "The nerve! I have been cleaning up all day long, and all I asked him to do was take out the garbage!" I am ticked. And at this point, Eric has NO IDEA of this fact. Why? Besides being out of his mind exhausted, he was paying attention to the content part of my message. The poor man even thinks he's getting points for doing this task for me. He's thinking, "Ok, she asked me to take out the garbage, I said yes (even though I'm exhausted), and I did it right away. Points for me!" So he comes back in, steps over the stuff he threw on the floor, plops down into his chair, and continues unwinding. I am fuming. I move around him, making very obvious "tsk" noises--put his stuff away, vacuum around him (he even lifts up his legs so I can vacuum under them, isn't that nice), and do my very best to show him relationally that I am busily cleaning our house, and his stuff, and I am ticked at him. Does he get the message, even though to me, I am sending it loud and clear? Nope. Nada. Later on, after he has unwound a little, he wonders why I am upset, and I wonder why he doesn't get it.

Eric has studied the human brain with regards to content & relational communicating, and he explains that the male & female brain is vastly different (well no kidding?!). There's something in our brain called the corpus callosum that differs greatly in male & female brains (see http://www.wisegeek.com/are-there-differences-between-the-male-and-female-brain.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Corpus_callosum for more info). This corpus callosum is a nerve structure that goes down the center of the brain, and it basically regulates the communication between the right & left sides. In women...the corpus callosum is HUGE. And the nerves that stem from it go all over the brain, connecting the right & left hemispheres in multiple locations. In men, the corpus callosum is much smaller, and it shrinks the older men get. Because of this structure, when women perform a task, they use their entire brain, and when men perform a task, they use one hemisphere or the other.

Also, (please understand I am not a brain expert, I just know the very very basics here) female senses are better than male senses almost across the board. Women have better eyesight, color differentiation, sound differentiation--our skin is 15 times more sensitive than male skin.

What does this mean in working terms? A few really vital things:

1. It means that generally, women are better multi-taskers. We really can have 79 irons in the fire, and do them all at the same time. Consequently, men are better concentrators. Because men use either one side of the brain or the other, it means that they can really focus on tasks, but only one at a time.

2. Women can operate on a level of subtlety that males can't even approach. Ever heard of "women's intuition?" Researchers argue that this is the root of a woman's intuition. I can communicate with my female friends without even using words or complete sentences.

3. This can have a HUGE impact on relationships.  Think about it. If women have operated nearly all their lives on a level of subtlety and relational messages that men can't even comprehend, what can happen when a woman marries a man? Ladies, sometimes we think that since it comes so naturally to us, our husband should be able to understand the relational messages we throw his way. NO! It doesn't work! He doesn't get it! He's not insensitive, he just doesn't get it! Yet, sometimes, especially in a marriage, we expect others to think as we do. "If he really loved me, he would just know."

4. This doesn't mean that men are stupid, and women are unrealistic & conniving. It just means we're different. Neither one is better or superior to the other. It just means that it's different.

(Disclaimer: Obviously, this does not apply to all females and all males. I know men that are really quite good at discerning relational messages, and women who can concentrate on very intense tasks. For instance, my father would sit at the dinner table and just look at something he wanted, and my mother would almost immediately give it to him. That's some serious relational communication going down there!)

5. Not understanding crucial concepts such as these can lead to a whole lot of insecurity and other issues that can tear apart self-concepts and relationships.

6. We need to rely most on content communication. Interpersonal relationship expert Dr. John L Lund, in his book "How to Hug a Porcupine," asserts that it is vital that couples rely most on content communicating. "Say what you mean, and mean what you say." In his "Ten Articles of Commitment To Myself and To My Mate," Article III states: "I am willing to become a Content Communicator. I will own my words and be responsible for the verbal content of my messages. I will say what I mean and mean what I say. I will avoid hint dropping and relying upon body language or nonverbal means of communicating. I will not expect others to read my mind or discern the intent of my expectations. I will own my words in a respectful manner. I will not parent my equals by suggesting what they should, need, or ought to do."



Let's go back to that scene with Eric & the garbage for a minute:  If both of us would have focused more on content communicating, can you imagine how differently the scenario would have played out?

(Eric, still exhausted, comes in, sits in his chair, pulls out his book etc.)

Me: "Honey, will you take out the garbage?"

Eric: "I am so tired right now Lori! I have not had a very good day at work. I need a few moments to myself. It would mean a lot to me if I could just sit here for a moment and read a book to unwind. Then I will not only take out the garbage, I will help you finish the housework."

Me: "That sounds great. I haven't had the best day either. Maybe we can talk later when we've had some time to ourselves (sits down on couch & pulls out her book)."

(insert appropriate Disney end credit music here).



Ahhhhhhhh. Much much better.



Now tell me what YOU think.

Monday January 11, 2010: Our Need to Communicate

So I've decided to do this blog thing also. Practice what I preach, so to speak! I have to say, I LOVE this semester's classes! They seem to be ON THE BALL!

Class today was an introduction to basic communication principles. Isn't it interesting how we communicate in different ways? What is a strength to some is a weakness to others -

I was thinking about the basic human needs we all learned when we were in 5th grade science: 1. Food. 2. Clothing. 3. Shelter. We all took one human need for granted--it didn't even make that list. The fourth need is our absolute need to communicate.

We need communication to SURVIVE, not just THRIVE.

I'll give you a poignant example: Frederick II, (emperor of Germany from 1196 to 1250), wanted to know what language was innate in humans, so he took 100 infants from his kingdom away fro their mothers (can you imagine?!), roughly the same age--and used them in what one medieval historian called "one of his most significant, if inhumane, experiments."

"He bade foster mothers and nurses to suckle the children, to bathe and wash them but in no way to prattle with the, for he wanted to learn whether they would speak the Hebrew language, which was the oldest, or Greek, or Latin, or Arabic, or perhaps the language of their parents, of whom they had been born. But he labored in vain because all of the children died. For they could not live without the petting and joyful faces and loving words of their foster mothers."

ALL of our basic needs are either directly connected to, or facilitated by communication. The ability to forge relationships is fundamental for human survival and success. It's as vital as the water and food our bodies must have in order to live.

The very first pages of the text we use in class gives an example of someone playing the "silent treatment" as a child. Anyone ever play that "game?" Been the recipient? I remember getting the silent treatment from my older siblings when I was a child. That was the WORST POSSIBLE TORTURE they could dole out. At first I tried really hard to ignore it--to act indifferent. But it wasn't long before a wider range of emotions took over. Sadness, anger, betrayal, loss...grief--and every emotion in between. I remember getting the silent treatment from a group of girls in elementary school. The pain I felt on the playground I still feel today when I think of it. Adults (as well as children) have used the silent treatment in virtually every society as a TOOL to express displeasure & gain control. I love the example the text gives about Senator John McCain. When he was a Navy Pilot, he was shot down over North Vietnam and held as a POW for over 6 years, often in solitary confinement. He describes the importance of communicating:

"The punishment for communicating could be severe, and a few POWs, having been caught and beaten for their efforts, had their spirits broken as their bodies were battered. Terrified of a return trip to the punishment room, they would lie still in their cells when their comrades tried to tap them up on the wall. Very few would remain uncommunicative for long. To suffer all this alone was less tolerable than torture. Withdrawing in silence from the fellowship of other Americans..was to us the approach of death."

Our need to communicate, and our effectiveness at it can determine so many things. It can enhance our physical health. It can maintain our emotional well-being. It shapes our self-concept. It satisfies our need for attention and affection.

Consider this scripture: When Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden, what was the first thing God said? Genesis Ch 2:18 - "And the Lord God said, It is not good that man should be alone." What I used to think that meant was that men were just no good without the women in their lives. :-) Now while that may be completely true (and I'll be glad to provide you with empirical examples...), it goes deeper than that. Man (meaning all of us) was created to communicate with others. We need others to survive and thrive.

We will literally die without it.

Let it be a dance we do.
May I have this dance with you?
Through the good ties
And the bad times, too,
Let it be a dance.

Learn to follow, learn to lead,
Feel the rhythm, fill the need.
To reap the harvest, plant the seed.
And let it be a dance.

Morning star comes out at night,
Without the dark there is no light.
If nothing's wrong, then nothing's right.
Let it be a dance.

-Ric Masten