Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Shhhhhh......Are you Listening???



I have just
wandered back
into our conversation
and find
that you
are still rattling on
about something
or other
I think I must
have been gone
at least
twenty minutes
and you
never missed me
now this might say
something
about my acting ability
or it might say
something about
your sensitivity
one thing
troubles me tho
when it
is my turn
to rattle on
for twenty minutes
which I
have been known to do
have you
been missing too?
(From "Looking Out, Looking In," 12th Ed)

§  Research suggests that we only remember about 1/2 of what we hear immediately  after hearing it.  That’s 1/2 even if we work hard at listening.  Within 2 months, 1/2 of the 1/2 is forgotten, bringing what we remember down to about 25% of the original message.  What is left is the residual message (what we actually remember)- and it’s only a small fraction of what we hear. 

§  Listening is often referred to as the forgotten communication skill.  When you ask most people to list communication skills, they focus in on talking, but they don’t think about listening.  That’s because most people don’t see an advantage to listening.  One of the first lessons we ever learn in this life has to do with the power of listening.  When we’re babies, and we need something, what do we do?  We cry.  And what happens?  Somebody comes.  It’s great.  But we learn the lesson in reverse.  We learn that talking is something we do, listening is something other people do.  Talking is the ability to persuade, to influence, to ask for what we want, and we don’t see a corresponding advantage to listening.  However, research indicates that listening is in fact the most important communication skill.  Research shows that people who are good listeners have more satisfying relationships, get better grades, get better jobs, advance more rapidly in those jobs, make more money in those jobs, are perceived by others as being smarter, nicer, and even better looking than people who are not good listeners.  So why don’t we all listen better? 

§  At the beginning of any college class, 70% of the class is focused and listening to what’s being said.  Within 10 minutes, that drops to 20%.  So 30% of you are gone from the very beginning, and 80% of you leave later on.  That doesn’t mean that 80% of you go bye-bye, and never come back, it just means that you tune in and out, but at any given moment, only about 20% of you are really listening to what’s being said. 

So why don’t we listen better? 
§  FACT:  It’s impossible to listen ALL the time. 
§  1.  Message Overload
o   About 1/2 the time we’re awake, we listen to verbal messages.  From teachers, co-workers, friends, family, boyfriends, girlfriends, mom, dad, sales-people, total strangers (breathe now)…not to mention radio and TV.  5 or more hours each and every day is spent listening to people talk. 
§  2.  Pre-Occupation
o   We’re often wrapped up in personal concerns that we deem more important than messages others are sending. 
§  3.  Rapid Thought
o   Listening carefully is also difficult for physiological reasons.  We are capable  of understanding speech at rates up to 650 words per minute!  (the average person speaks 100-150 wpm).  This leaves 500 “extra” or “spare” minutes for our minds to fill.  Therefore the temptation to use time not related to the  speaker’s ideas (daydreaming, mind-wandering, etc), is there, and sometimes big. The trick is to use this spare time to understand the speaker’s ideas better than let your attention wander. 
§  4.  Effort
o   Effective listening is hard work.   You actually burn calories during effective listening. 
o   Physical changes during effective listening:
a.  Heart rate quickens
b.  Respiration increases
c.  Body temperature rises
o   Sound a lot like a work out?  In many ways, it IS. 


Have you ever been in a class where you’ve had to focus really hard and listen, and you’ve come out exhausted?  When I go to the temple that happens to me.  I come out exhausted and hungry. 
§  5.  External Noise
o   Our world presents distractions constantly that make it hard to pay attention to others. 
§  6.  Hearing Problems
o   You simply might not HEAR the person because you have hearing problems. It is estimated that 1/4 of us walk around with a hearing loss that we’re not even aware of. 
§  7.  Faulty Assumptions
o   Incorrect assumptions.  Perhaps if you “think you’ve heard it all before….”
§  8.  Lack of Apparent Advantages
o   What’s the advantage to me if I listen to you? 
§  9.  Lack of Training
o   Listening is a skill.  Skills are acquired--they are not given. 
o   Listening is not like breathing for example. 
o   How much do we listen to “just get by?”
§  10.  Media Influences



WHAT THE WHAT?
So from all of this--it sounds like trying to be an effective listener is just impossible!   Not true.  It IS attainable--the fact
 is, that it’s NOT impossible at all--It is VERY attainable, and most importantly BENEFICIAL.  We determined a long time ago in class that media has a significant influence in our lives.  Most everything we see media wise is brief.  (news reports, commercials, etc).  We aren’t “used” to spending long amounts of time focused on one thing.  My father used to tell me:  We were given TWO ears and ONE mouth for a reason….so that we may hear more and talk less.  
It IS possible. 


This is a story that tells about how Thomas Edison, a famous American inventor, made a lot of money simply by using his ears instead of his mouth. 
“When the Western Union Company offered to buy Thomas Edison’s newly invented telegraph ticker, Edison had no idea how much to ask for it.  He asked for, and was granted, a few days to think about the purchase price. 
Edison and his wife talked about the offer.  Although stunned by Mrs.. Edison’s suggestion to ask for $20,000, he hesitantly agreed and set out to meet Western Union officials. 
“What price have you decided on?”  the Western Union Representative asked. 
When Edison attempted to tell him $20,000, the figure stuck to the roof of his mouth.  He stood speechless for a moment.  Impatient with the silence, the Western Union business person finally blurted, “How about $100,000 for the invention?”  







Ineffective Listening


§  1.  Pseudo-listening. 
o   The imitation of the real thing. 
o   -Example of students/teacher situation

§  2.  Stage hogging…(aka “conversational narcissists”)
o   These guys have STRATEGIES!
o   1.  Shift-response.  Changing focus of the conversation to them. 
o   2.  Interrupting
o   Responses:
o   1.  Passive.  Talking less, tuning out speaker, showing disinterest non-verbally--leaving the conversation. 
o   2.  Active:  trying to recapture the floor, hinting about the stage-hogger’s dominance, confronting. 
o    Men typically interrupt conversations more than women.  Why?  Because of their intent to control the conversation.  Women typically interrupt to communicate agreement, elaborate on speaker’s ideas, or merely to participate. 

§  3.  Selective Listening. 
o   Only listening to the stuff that directly interests them.  

§  4.  Insulated Listening. 
o   Opposite of selective listeners in a way.  These guys are AVOIDERS.  When a topic arises that they’d rather not deal with, it is avoided.  

§  5.  Defensive listening. 
o   Taking other people’s remarks as a personal attack. 

§  6.  Ambushing.
o   Ambushers listen carefully to you, but only because they’re collecting information they’ll use later to attack what you say.  The cross-examining prosecution attorney is a good example of an ambusher.  

§  7.  Insensitive Listening. 
o   Aren’t able to look beyond the words & behavior to understand their hidden meanings.  Instead, they take a speaker’s remarks at face value.  

A father once told me, “I can’t understand my kid.  He just won’t listen to me at all.”  
“Let me restate what you just said,” I replied.  “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?”  
“That’s right,” He replied.
“Let me try again,” I said.  “You don’t understand your son because he won’t listen to you?” 
“That’s what I said!”  He impatiently replied.  (What’s wrong with his thinking? )
“I thought that to understand another person, you needed to listen to him--,” I suggested….




Types of listening responses: 
·       Prompting:  Nudging to keep speaker talking…
·       Questioning:  Make sure they are sincere!  Beware of counterfeit questions:
Questions that trap the speaker.  Example:  “You didn’t like that movie did you?”  “….isn’t that right?” 
Questions that make statements.  Example:  “Are you finally off the phone?” 
Questions that carry hidden agendas.  Example:  “Are you busy Friday night?” 
Questions that seek correct answers. Example:  “Do these pants make me look fat?”
Questions based on unchecked assumptions.  Example:  “Why aren’t you listening to me?”
·       Paraphrasing: 
·       Supporting:  Empathizing, agreeing, offers of help, praise, reassurance
·       Analyzing:  I think what’s really bothering you is…” 
·       Advising:  “I think what you should do is…”
·       Judging:    “I think you did the wrong thing there…” 

The book says to be careful when doing analyzing, judging, and advising.  I take a stronger stance.  I don’t think they’re appropriate.  Men listen to solve, women listen to support.  Women are better in this area. 
Even if someone comes to you and says I really want you to tell me what to do – I would say “What do you think your options are?”  Most people just need a sounding board.  What’s nice is that you will give you the credit for doing it!  If it blows up in their face, who is responsible?   

Listen (by Anonymous)
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice,
you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you think you have to do something to solve my problem
you have failed me,
strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen,
not talk or do…just hear me
advice is cheap; 25 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
And I can do that myself.
I am not helpless.
maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,
then I can quit trying to convince you
and can get about the business of understanding
what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when it’s clear, the answers
are obvious and I don’t need advice.
Irrational feelings make sense when
we understand what’s behind them.
So please listen and just hear me
and if you want to talk,
wait a minute for your turn…..
and I’ll listen to you.


Listening as a way to affirm the worth of another person – One of the most powerful messages we can send to another person that lets them know that they are valuable to us and that we care about them, is simply to listen.  We are all incredibly busy – time is very valuable, and when we’re willing to set aside everything just to focus on another person, that sends the message that no matter what else I’ve got going on, you are more important than that. 

By Anonymous:   
“I am going to listen to you right now, better than you have ever been listened to in your whole life.  I am going to try to make you feel that you are the most understood person in the world.  I will not judge, assume, criticize, give advice, or do anything that might keep you from sharing your true feelings.  I am going to give you 100 percent of my attention and all the love of which I am capable, strictly and solely to focus on understanding you now.”

Think about what that would mean if someone were to say that to you, or send you that message without saying that.  It makes you feel valued. 

As parents, children often want to talk to us about very silly things.  It’s the act of listening, not necessarily the message, that’s important. 

Quote:  Marvin J Ashton, “Family Communications,” Ensign May 1976, 52.
“Listening is more than being quiet. Listening is much more than silence. Listening requires undivided attention. The time to listen is when someone needs to be heard. The time to deal with a person with a problem is when he has the problem. The time to listen is the time when our interest and love are vital to the one who seeks our ear, our heart, our help, and our empathy. We should all increase our ability to ask comfortable questions, and then listen—intently, naturally. Listening is a tied-in part of loving. How powerful are the words, “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: “For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.” (James 1:19–20.)

Active listening:  Listening is an active, not a passive process.  It’s not something we just do with our ears.  It’s something we do with our eyes, our bodies, our face, our words when we paraphrase, etc.  It’s something we do with our entire being. 

How We Can Listen Better

§  So how can we listen better?
§  1.  Talk Less                                                        
o   A No-Brainer---Evaluate yourselves, your lives---IRONIC how teenagers spend most of their time doing things solely for themselves—(not a bad thing, during teenage years is when you are
trying to figure out who you are).  YET, when it comes to LISTENING, we (teenagers especially) cheat ourselves out of so Much vital information that would directly benefit us. 
o   Talking Stick Activity:  Great way to explore the benefits of talking less & listening more by using a “talking stick.”  Based on the Native American tradition of council.  Each person may speak                                    A.    When holding the stick only
B.     For as long as he/she holds the stick &
C.      Without interruption from anyone else. 
o   Native Americans would gather in a circle, and when a member of the council was through speaking, the stick passed to the left, and the person surrendering the stick must wait until it has made its way around the circle to begin speaking again. 
§  2.  Get Rid of Distractions                              
o   Remember that some are external:  ringing telephones, crowds, radio TV, etc….you can remove external ones fairly easy.  Internal:  Preoccupation with your own problems.  Harder one to get
                           rid of, but not impossible. 
§  3.  Don’t judge prematurely                        
o   It is essential to understand your speaker before you make judgments on what is being said.  Listen first.  Make sure you understand.  THEN evaluate. 
§  4.  Look for Key Ideas                                     
o   There is a sign in sign language that means you are getting overloaded with information.  Very visual & descriptive (as most signs are!).  It’s easy to lose patience with long-winded speakers
who never seem to get to a point---or have a point for that matter.  Because we can think (650 wpm) faster than most people can think we can learn to extract the central idea from the mass of words we hear….sometimes even before the speaker gets to the “point.” 
§  5.  Ask Questions – and make them sincere.  Not those counterfeit ones! 
§  6.  Paraphrase                                                                     
o   AKA “Active Listening.”  NOT parroting….
o    Example of “Parroting.” 
q  “I’d like to go, but I can’t afford it.” 
q  So, you’d like to go, but you can’t afford it.”
o    Example of Paraphrasing: 
q  “I’d like to go, but I can’t afford it.”
q  “So if I could find a way to pay for you, you’d be willing to come.  Is that right?” 





Read 3 Nephi Chapter 11, verses 3-8: 
3 And it came to pass that while they were thus conversing one with another, they heard a voice as if it came out of heaven; and they cast their eyes round about, for they understood not the voice which they heard; and it was not a harsh voice, neither was it a loud voice; nevertheless, and notwithstanding it being a small voice it did pierce them that did hear to the center, insomuch that there was no part of their frame that it did not cause to quake; yea, it did pierce them to the very soul, and did cause their hearts to burn.
  4 And it came to pass that again they heard the voice, and they understood it not.
  5 And again the third time they did hear the voice, and did open their ears to hear it; and their eyes were towards the sound thereof; and they did look steadfastly towards heaven, from whence the sound came.
  6 And behold, the third time they did understand the voice which they heard; and it said unto them:
  7 Behold my Beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased, in whom I have glorified my name—hear ye him.
  8 And it came to pass, as they understood they cast their eyes up again towards heaven; and behold, they saw a Man descending out of heaven; and he was clothed in a white robe; and he came down and stood in the midst of them; and the eyes of the whole multitude were turned upon him, and they durst not open their mouths, even one to another, and wist not what it meant, for they thought it was an angel that had appeared unto them.”

Discussion:  What was different between the first, second, and third time?  The first two times they didn’t understand.  Why did they understand it the third time?  They did open their ears……They were focusing with everything – their whole bodies – trying to understand what was being said.  Do you think Heavenly Father could have made himself understood the first time?  So why didn’t He?  I think he was teaching them a lesson- they had to choose to listen – they had to want to understand.  He could have made them, but they had to make the choice.  It wasn’t until verse 5 (when they expended the effort) that they really understood. 



Personal challenge:  Try something for the next week:  For the next week, choose one person, one relationship that is extremely important to you.  With that person, I want you to focus on being an incredibly great listener.  At the end of the week, I promise you will notice a change in the quality of that relationship – that’s how powerful these principles are.  At the end of the week, you will have a testimony of why it’s good to be a great listener.